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Hot weather is great for going to the beach. We’re having a run of steamy ninety-degree weather in Rochester, NY, motivating me to go to the beach almost every day. I bring a good book, cooler of bottled water, chilled fruit, fresh veggies, and my favorite fold-up lawn chair; parking the chair and myself where I can people watch. When it gets too hot I go for a swim in Lake Ontario. After a refreshing dip I dry off, read for a while, and go back to people watching.

Most of my observations have sited some interesting beach garb, which includes various shapes and sizes that fit into (or out of) bathing suits. Men’s bathing suits are fairly simple and usually conservative in color. They wear trunks, jams, or Speedos. In my opinion, generic swim trunks are most flattering on men, with jams being my second choice. No man, no matter how fit they are, should ever wear a Speedo in public.

Women’s swimwear, on the other hand, is a different story. There is much more variety. I see bikinis, tankinis, maillots, thongs, sarong-type swimwear, and skirted bathing suits. They come in every color imaginable. Some are solid colors, while others are floral, striped, polka-dotted, and checked. Bikinis and thongs are out for most women unless they are body builders.

In order to contain the body parts of the many females I see on the beach, I realize that the bathing suits need some heavy-duty material to keep those parts from going south. On the tag of my new bathing suit it says that the bathing suit manufacturer uses spandex, which is the same rubberized material they put into girdles. I’m sure they do this to keep women’s bodies squeezed into one place for long periods of time. Some of these manufacturers are probably related to the Marquis de Sade.

Take a look at the word spandex. If you change the letters around a little you have the word expands.

There are two reasons bathing suit manufacturers chose the word spandex and continue to use it in their swimsuits. The first reason takes into consideration the thoughtfulness of the manufacturer…it’s to oblige weight fluctuation. As I put on weight over the winter, the spandex accommodates my changing shape. I call it my winter expansion program. Bathing suit manufacturers are well aware of the program and market accordingly.

Bringing us to reason number two. Manufacturers are well aware that after prolonged use, especially in a chlorine pool, spandex loses its elasticity. It’s not pretty after that. Gravity takes over and everything migrates toward the equator. At that point, it’s time for a new bathing suit, which is exactly what the swimsuit manufacturer’s plan was all along.

As I continue to age, my winter expansion program and the laws of gravity make spandex a necessary requirement in my swimsuits. The fact is my bikini days are over, folks. I gracefully accept that fact as I continue to thoroughly enjoy the summer. Yes, it is hot, but the beach is great. I’m reading some excellent books, eating my fresh fruit and veggies, and drinking plenty of water to keep well hydrated. But I have to tell you, I’m getting a special kick out of watching people on the beach trying to keep it all together with spandex.

Enjoy the summer!

Copyright © 2005 by Pamela Beers. All rights reserved.

Pamela Beers is a freelance writer, educator, and horse trainer. She embraces life, enjoying it’s simpler moments. You may visit her website at http://www.pamelabeers.com

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Space exploration came a long way since I was the size of a measurable amount of it.

I remember with some pain, my first ride on a penny farthing with its big wheel and long spokes that were well engineered to cut a foot or two off anyone’s legs.

With good timing though, I used my head and saved my legs.

Anyway, I’m a long time looking and can see nothing in space worth a damn.

What would keep it up?

Some viagra from venus? I don’t think so!

Even if there was anything up there, who put it there? And how did they put it there? I never believed that Alien conspiracy business and often thought that a man that couldn’t speak his mind, couldn’t conquer much.

As for an Alien being green and skinny; we’ve killed many things that looked like mal-formed frogs and ate the best of them!
To think that a white frog would be any more capable, is crazy. What difference would his color be to a mortal with an empty belly and color-blindness issues?

Rubbish, the lot of it!

As well as that, couldn’t anyone make up anything about a place that we can’t see? Like, above the sky for example.

Bring it down, and show it to me, is what I say.

Is there oil up there? I doubt it. If there was, wouldn’t it come down with the rain?

Gold or silver? The same goes for that.

Gas? Okay, there might be gas, but in my experience it is best to leave it there or bury it as was done generations ago.

Someone found a bacteria on Mars, if they did. They could have got it anywhere and its not like bacteria are known to break under interrogation. I’d say that you could get the strongest truth serum and the best you could hope for is a wet bacteria as well as an empty bottle.

So, I ask you; what is up there worth a damn and who would put it there if it was?

And the exploration of space might be a waste of petrol, frog after-taste pills, truth serum and re-location papers for suspicious bacteria.

Thick Mick Henry is an “expert” columnist on history or back passage material, with http://www.TheTrivialTimes.com

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An unsuspecting contractor drove to his nearby Home Depot to buy a vanity. When he opened it, besides the usual shelves, he discovered two 50-lb bricks of marijuana.

Police were summoned and invited to the garden shop, where they were told the marijuana was being sold as a new kind of grass seed that offered entertaining prospects for homeowners and landscapers.

Now, instead of just mowing the lawn and admiring the result, the laborers in the lawn will be able to light up.

Police, not entirely convinced of the legality of the enterprise, pressed the employees in the department, particularly since the current street price for 100 pounds of marijuana is approximately $145,000.

The officers were also alert to the fact that a plumber who recently purchased a vanity at a still-unidentified hardware store in Massachusetts found 3 kilograms of cocaine, along with 40 pounds of marijuana in the unlikely repository, with a street value of about $250,000.

As suspicions mounted, police searched a dozen HD stores and found similar unusually outfitted vanities.

The management of Home Depot has vowed to cooperate in the curious investigation.

One wonders in what vanities the drug merchants might be tremblingly sequestered.

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”

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